Bearded theory

I have been having a go at growing a beard over the past couple of weeks and it’s nowhere near as easy as I thought that it would be. There’s a great deal of adapting to beardy life to be done and you have to think very carefully whether it’s the right life for you. 

Firstly, I feel really scruffy. No matter how often I have a bath or a good wash, I feel like a trampus, checking bins for a good feed and picking up dog ends in the park. I don’t do either of those things but I reckon that I could fit straight in to that society and behaviour since going “beardoid.”

My face feels bigger! I was not ready for that! These bizarre follicular fibres are pushing the limits of my chinny bits out into a wider space and I feel like I have more face. I’m also worried about the slow metamorphosis into DLT which could lead to being pursued by angry mobs demanding justice from the Creepy Cornflake. I don’t need that, life is tricky enough as it stands.

Heat! Nostril exhalation equals hot moustache! That’s a fact. It heats up if I use my nose for anything other than a quick sniff around for snacks and entertaining odours. That’s not much that can be done about that. Nasal air conditioning is not the top priority for the science types. There’s disease and famine to deal with first but I’m sure that we’ll get there some day.

My Dad. Saints alive, I might start looking more like my old man! That has got to be stopped before it goes too far! He always had a beard…except for the time when he shaved it off when I was a kid and it made us all scream and cry. He had to grow it back. We prefer it when he’s semi-obscured.

All in all, I feel slightly silly with a beard. It’s fashionable to have one now but the actual reason that I currently have one is that I had a nasty spot and I didn’t feel like cutting that wide open and bleeding profusely. So, it’s kind of an accidental beard but one that I have secretly enjoyed. It’s certainly not permanent. It’s actually in danger of being scrapped this very afternoon but it has been a most interesting foray into a world that I have never particularly wanted to visit.

So, back to the grind of shaving cuts, scratchy chin and a slightly smaller face then? Yeah, I think so. 

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