It’s not easy being me, you know. I have never been a conventional person and I am aware that I come across as fairly “eccentric” but in all honesty, I am just an ordinary person in extraordinary circumstances. What kind of circumstances, you ask? Well, after all the to and fro of being born and growing up, I turned out to be me and who would have bet on that outcome, right?

So, here I am…mostly healthy and most definitely not wealthy, living in one of the World’s finest cities by the sea. Brighton is a place where you can be whatever you want to be and there’s a very minimal risk of being beaten to a pulp for it. Sadly, I have been challenged to defend myself a couple of times but as ever, I managed to diffuse the situation by being an odd combination of “very big indeed” and “unwilling to have a fight.” That has served me very well over the years. I just sort of loom and look angry and it’s decided that nobody needs to take this any further. Actually, that’s great as it tends to be fairly painless and I still feel as if I have “won” somehow.

I have spent much of my adult life so far “investigating things” which is another way of saying that I walk around a lot. I walk, I look and I sometimes laugh but whatever is going on, I rarely get involved. It’s my code of conduct, if you like. I enjoy the things that I see… Seagulls attacking people for their lunch, someone getting punched in the face near a large promotional ice cream, someone’s fried egg hovering in the high wind and blowing sideways, hovercraft style, into the bin. It’s all out there for our entertainment. Or, at least, for MY entertainment. 

I do wonder what people must think when they see me bobbing along with my headphones on and a determined look on my face. In my mind’s eye, I am a prime example of fine British manhood, striding along with purpose and composure but I expect that I am perceived as just another aimless local fruitcake with funny hair and enormous feet. 



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